The Great Effort

Before I met Jac last year I was convinced that to make any relationship work would require some huge, gigantastic effort. I looked back on my past failures (and my dear lord, what failures they were) and I saw what I should've, could've done differently. Most common among em'?

1. I told him too much about myself, too soon.
2. I didn't give him enough breathing room.
3. We he pulled away, I tried to hold him tighter.
4. We got physically intimate too soon. My fault, of course.
5. I fell for him too fast.

etc. etc. You get the picture.

So I was convinced that I needed to pull out all the stops and concentrate on controlling myself -- the effort all from my part of course --- day-to-day bartering and rational-ing and holding back -- and just some general "I know i'm right but i'm going to keep my mouth shut and let you think you are right because I really don't feel like fighting right now and in the end it doesn't matter anyway"-ing would need doing.

Worst advice. There is no sooner path to pure hell than this one -- and you will end up with nothing -- and having said nothing -- and nobody knowing you because everything that defines who you are that doesn't fit into the cookie cutter shape or what and what not to do and say will remain hidden to the rest of the world -- and most importantly to the person with whom you could be sharing a happy relationship.

But for a long time, I went for this stuff. I fell for it. I just wanted to be good at it .. you know? The whole girlfriend thing. And who doesn't love a good self-help book, or article...

SO where would I be without the wisdom of online blogging and article-writing king and queen know-it-alls of all things love. Love advice. Sex advice. How to know if he's going to propose to you advice. How to make him love you more advice. How to pretend to love him less advice. How to freakin' drop his ass advice.

I've read lists of red flags that read like grocery shopping lists -- and I swore by all Things and Gods of Love that I would step right out the door should one of them come glaring my way, attached to an otherwise perfect-seeming man.

I consumed these love/life/dating articles and advice on the web like a hoarding squirrel (msn.com and tangomag as first pit-stops)-- trying to train myself to be the perfect girlfriend -- do the right thing always, say the right thing always -- ... and, well, to be honest -- the prospective looked quite daunting. And just overall really exhausting. And not at all appealing.

But as I said, this was before I met Jac.

Not that there haven't been moments in which i've felt the temptation to reach for my toolbelt-of-internet-love-advice and pull out some quick-fix to make things better. And not that i've never gotten some good advice that hasn't come in useful. But in the past year -- a not always easy year -- but definitely not a difficult one -- i've learned how to put all of this into perspective.

So what i've learned:

Above all things, it is absolutely essential to find someone who's inner-programming fits puzzle-piece-like into yours. And i'm not talking about similar interests or religions or what have you. But it shouldn't be DIFFICULT make it work. Really, it should just work.

Being with Jac isn't difficult. I'm not exhausted nor do I make a herculean effort each day to make sure our relationship is happily heading down the paved road of perfectness -- and we haven't had to make any special against-our-will effort to keep things alive -- our character traits do that for us, we don't need to do it conciously -- but we're concious enough to know when the unconcious is taking over the concious and we need a whipping back to reality. That usually comes in the form of a much-needed fight. And fighting is good -- especially when the inner-DNA-programming quickly turns you mushy and forgiving-ful. And when you don't get too dirty. With Jac, this happens regularly. That's one good advice -- never go to bed mad. We don't. But that's because of who we are -- we don't WANT to. And neither one of us needs to convince the other.

And I get how difficult this is to find. Which is why i'm particularly grateful to have found Jac and that he's found me --- I don't miss the crazy emotional intensity of my past relationships (I nearly moved to Switzerland and got married for Chrissakes -- to someone who I had spent less than 1 months overall time with and didn't know at all) -- but I am enjoying the deep, moving, intense emotion I am feeling for Jac that doesn't need to manifest itsself in 3AM phone calls or trans-atlantic fights -- in fact -- the non-passion-craziness is what lets me sleep sweetly at night, at a reasonable hour, after our goodnight on the phone -- the few times we aren't sharing a bed per week. And i'm happier. And I don't lack anything.

The point i'm getting to -- is that -- for whoever of you out there is beating themselves up for what they are doing/could have done/shoulda woulda done right or wrong in their relationships -- past present or future -- I just want to say -- be yourself and let your inner-programming play itsself out because thats the only way you will be able to see how well you fit -- in the world and in your relationship.

I'm really just starting to figure it out.

And that's not advice.



**note: I still do find myself, at least once per day -- reading 5-10 articles on love advice from various dubios sources. I just try not to take it all so seriously...