Screaming into Space

I feel like I haven't written a real, genuine post in weeks and it's starting to get to me.

You see, i've been overwhelmed. Not just in terms of work, class, stress, ... but something inside me just building up, needing to be let out.

But where?

I've never had some large, empty space of nothing nearby where I could go run to and scream, dance and cry alone. Loudly. Angrily. Sadly. Happily. And know that only God and I were witnessess to this highly irrational and unladylike outburst.

But I can't. Because there are people, everywhere. So I try not to scrape my teeth on my fork, or chew with my mouth open. I try to sit with my feet in the foor and look at people when they speak to me. I don't curse. I don't cry. I don't complain.

But this just isn't me. I'm most comfortable sitting in some contorted fashion, and my teeth are just not conducive to quiet ingestion by way of forks and spoons and forget knives! I love to talk and eat and when I have to separate the two I get all confused and mess up somehow, and someone is insulted, or disgusted. I curse in Spanish so noone gets insulted and it feels damn good and i'm so emotional sometimes I wonder that if I started I should ever stop crying. My complaints are many, and they must be heard.

I used to fantasize about sojourns into the desert, and feeling the boundaries disappear-- the further i'd get from people and structure the easier to breathe the air would become. These suffocating ghost walls would crumble and fade. I imagined i'd be open and pour out, and the cleanliness of Nothing and Noone would pour in.

Release. That's the word for it.

I wasn't born with clothes on, and I feel as though the world immediately threw a pair of snowboots and a parka on me (not to mention a pair of longjohns and ski socks) and i'm just trying to remove all the layers. I'm not through all that mess of fabric and self-conciousness. Not yet.

But i'm clawing my way out. 'Cause I feel best naked.

The imminent need to get out, get loud and get naked is whats been weighing on my mind for months now. It needs to happen. I think it will. My hope is that, this place where I am going, or might go, is the perfect wide open space of nothing where I can scream out loud and strong and uninhibited.